Karen's Misgivings
Karen's Misgivings
Arc: Character Growth
Summary: Julianna has an impromptu discussion with Jamie about taking out Kilrathi.
Date: 2659.250
Related Logs: Hail Mary Pass
Participants: Silence, Singh

Julianna emerges from her quarters and walks slowly to the chapel, she is nowhere nearly as presentable as she was this morning wearing a loose fitting T shirt and her standard issue slacks, her hair is a mess and her eyes are bloodshot.

Jamie's emerging from the Powderkeg at around the same time. Dressed just in his navy blue uniform pants and a tee shirt that reads 'TCS Majestic', he pauses for a second, then calls out, "You okay?"

"Sniff… fine… I gotta be fine, everyone's telling me how good I was." Julianna replies.

It's hard for the younger pilot not to jump straight to questions. He's flown with Julianna often enough now that he's picked up on it. "Yeah. You're a good shot," Jamie finally answers, folding his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, I kill well." Julianna looks at her feet.

Another second, and Jamie asks, "Does it really count as killing if it's a Kilrathi?"

Julianna looks up at him wet cheeked but with a much more resolute stare than he'd seen before. "Life is life. I know they follow a different code, and they even think differently, but it doesn't stop me from hating killing them and hating myself after."

Julianna starts sobbing hard. Keeping an arms length away from the jr officer. "Today, I've helped put out a tenth candle. You know what that… sniff… means?"

Arching his brows up and glancing left and right, Jamie reaches out to try and guide the other pilot down the corridor a ways, toward a relatively underused utility room nearby. He'd rather do that than have her crying where members of the crew could see. “Yeah, that's… different, awright. And no. I don't. What?"

Julianna sits down next to the rook (non pejorative). "A ribbon! A goddamned ribbon! I am being rewarded for being a butcher! This situation is beyond messed up. They say we're better than the cats. But then they have stuff like this."

"I don't want to play that game. I will always offer the enemy a way out and I make sure they understand what is at stake… this honor bullsh*t is just a way to control their instincts, but they are intelligent, they reached for the stars. I won't ever stop protecting my own. I'm no mandarin, but I do not like killing"

"And you know what's scary?"

"My friends do!"

"And most of the time, I don't care… there's something wrong with me."

Gazing down at the woman as she settles down, Jamie keys the door closed and tries not to look worried. It's not what he expected to see from her to say the least. He pauses a second. "… Okay, so, why are you doing it? Like, why don't you transfer to piloting a shuttle or somethin'? I don't get it. What happens the first time one of your wingmates gets nailed because you were trying to talk down something that was born to murder?"

"I was a shuttle pilot, for 4 years, I was also Confed in Farriss for 3. Do you know how many kills I got as a scim and 'sword pilot in 3 years of the apocalypse belt?" Julianna responds.

Jamie answers truthfully, "No."

"Zero! I've encountered over 30 enemy craft, pirates and retros, I always managed to talk them down and made them turn themselves in." Julianna answers. "This honor is blinding the enemy." She glances to make sure Azran isn't in earshot.

"I love protecting people, and I'm good at my job, I won't stop. But I joined to save lives, not take em." Julianna has stopped crying mid rant. "You know… I probably made things more awkward than they need be… how about some ice cream?"

Jamie sighs. "Yeah, well, look, those are HUMANS. Kilrathi…. they don't kill to survive, they kill for pleasure, Julianna! You're savin' lives exactly the same way when you kill those things, you know!"

The blonde blows out a frustrated breath and works his fingers through his hair. Jamie continues, "Look, I'm worried about you. Maybe you should talk to psyche…"

"Tell me Cyric is killing to survive." Julianna looks blankly at Jamie.

Jamie leans a hand on the wall, still carefully avoiding talking about his own feelings about it. "Yeah, there's scumbag humans. But at least we're not a whole race of killers."

"I know I am saving lives, why do you think I'm still here? Also, Karde's no scumbag. He's kind and watches out for his friends… he's just sometimes a bit overjoyed in his job… but I don't know what he would be doing if it weren't for this. Tell me, if you weren't piloting, what would you do?" Julianna responds.

Julianna goes on, “Also, about the psych, she opens her pocket and flashes some pills. I've spoken to them, they are following up on me… making sure I'm able to carry out orders, but that's about it. We're on a carrier, they want to make sure you function, that's it."

Jamie shrugs. "I didn't mean him. I just meant… some humans." He turns around and leans up against a shelf of spare equipment, glancing down at the pills. "If the cats hadn't killed half my family, I'd still be farmin'. If the Majestic hadn't been hit, after that, I'd still be back in Troy, being a security guard. So, I guess I can't fault you the pills. Maybe neither of us should be here."

Julianna gives him a sympathetic look. "Sorry, forgot about the family… I for one am happy you're here, you're a great pilot and I feel good knowing you've got my back. The people here are good. I have to remind myself that this isn't like some sort of game, when I pull the trigger, someone is dying, I am destroying a family, and potentially radicalizing a village against us. But honestly, I'm probably boring you with my introspection. Want the ice cream?"

Julianna gets up and gestures him with a come on motion. Donning her typical oblivious and as you can see now, practiced, smile.

Bitterly, Jamie responds, "Everyone's lost someone, haven't they? Don't be. And you don't gotta flatter me, neither. I'm doing my best, but I've got a long way to go. Just don't forget to keep … all this under wraps, okay? You don't wanna have the other ISS boys and girls hearin' someone from ConFleet talkin' this way." He straightens up. "You got ice cream? Sure. I'll join ya. Good way to… " He pauses instead of saying celebrate, and adds, "Good way to take our minds off things."

"Yeah, sugar and fat work…. " Julianna says as she walks with Jamie to first and last and gets a "chocolate" sundae.

Jamie follows along. Not much in a mood to laugh because of his obvious worry the Stiletto pilot, he nevertheless manages to enjoy the fake sugar!